“True Confessions of a Former Audubon Society Member”

“Ping.... ping.... ping....” The basketball hits the macadam surface of the court as my 10-year-old son dribbles toward the hoop. “Ping.... ping.... ping.... SPLAT.”

Geese. Canada geese. Or Canadian geese--whatever you want to call them, I hate them. They make it impossible for me to play basketball with my son at Veteran’s Park, leaving their lethal land mines liberally strewn about. I used to be in the Audubon Society. I used to be in the Sierra Club. Nowadays, I sit in my house cleaning my gun, thinking about those Canada geese.

Why are we losing the war against these airborne terrorists? For several years now, I have marveled at the fact that we are incapable of protecting our parks from these polluting vagabonds. There have been many times when I would go to the basketball court, only to turn right around and leave when I saw that we could not play without stepping into a pile that was left by our feathered foes from the Great White North. I guess it could be worse...our planet could be overrun by “damned dirty apes”.

The problem is much broader in scope than the health risk posed by their droppings. In 1995, 24 people were killed when an Air Force AWAC aircraft sucked the birds into its engine upon take off. That same year, a Concorde landing at JFK Airport incurred $6 million in damage for the same reason, and an Airbus 320 landing at LaGuardia similarly sustained over $2 million in damage.

I’d be a ready recruit, eager to serve in the war against the enemy. But we can’t just shoot them, I’m told, though my Ruger could pick them off very cleanly. Some progressive communities have employed various imaginative techniques in their war against the geese: propane cannons, pyrotechnics including pistol flares, an electronic barking dog device, real dogs, battery-operated speakers blaring out distressed bird cries, and non-toxic “goose repellent”. My favorite approach was when Bogota used a fake, stuffed coyote, baring its fangs over a couple of “dead” stuffed geese. The Asbury Park Press just ran a story two days ago that West Long Branch is now using an electric fur-ball: they took a radio-controlled toy truck and shrouded it in an old fox hide. One Edgewater official mentioned that the placement of “dead” plastic geese has in fact been shown to be effective, but it would require maintenance in the way of regular moving about of the dummy carcasses.

Is that too much trouble? Why aren’t our communities here in southeast Bergen County employing more creative methods? Last year, it was estimated that there were up to 100,000 non-migratory Canada geese in New Jersey, and that the number could double in the next 6 to 8 years. Our parks are overrun with the droppings of these migratory menaces, yet we scoff at unconventional tactics to address the problem. Spring is fast approaching, and you can have your fears about a new outbreak of that West Nile Virus. Instead of looking around for mosquitoes, I’ll be looking down at my feet, watching my step. And at home cleaning my gun, waiting patiently for the call....

3/1/00

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